In a recent post I explored a few ways to practice kindness on a daily basis. What I failed to mention is that I sometimes limit my kindness–and I wish I didn’t have to.
Six years ago when I was living in NYC, I met two middle-aged men at a Times Square Internet Café who were homeless. They were bright; in fact, they operated an online software help company that had once been a promising business. After 9-11, they lost their funding and clients, and decided to go for broke–to stay in NYC, despite their dwindling funds, and put everything into the company. When I met them, they were thousands in the hole and close to having their servers shut down.
I could relate to being destitute and determined. I’d blown all my money on a work-from-home business that failed, and had just moved into a single room occupancy building where my entire living space totaled 49 square feet. I was struggling and a little lost. But I had yoga to keep me focused and a whole lot of heart to keep my going. It would take a lot more than debt and unemployment to make me pack my bags and run home.
One cold winter night as I was leaving the Internet café–several months after I first met them–I heard Rich say the shelter was full. They’d put in yet another 12-hour work day and they had nowhere to go. I had just enough floor space for an air mattress. So I took them home.
They stayed with me for almost two weeks. They’d leave early in the morning, head to their storage space for clothes, and then go to the café to work on a deal. They were always “so close” to closing a deal. One day their servers went down. All they’d sacrificed, all the cold nights they spent on the street, all the work they’d put in–gone. Just like that. Without thinking I pulled out my credit card and paid what was due.
I knew people would say I was naive, but I kept wondering “what if?” What if my help could make the difference between their failure and success? What if all they needed was someone to believe in them?
They never got the deal. They never returned my money. And they never looked back after leaving with the $100 I had under my mattress.
I don’t think Rick and Jim disappointed me because they’re bad people. I think they did what they felt they had to in order to survive. But this was the first time I considered that kindness can be a weakness. To this day I’m not sure where to draw the line–when to stop seeing good and start being cautious.
So I ask you: is kindness a weakness? Do you have to be guarded? Is the secret to giving letting go of all expectations?
By Lori Deschene, Photo by Mon Œil
Tags: compassion, giving, guarded, kindness
I think there’s a natural inclination to be on guard after you’ve been hurt in some way, like when your kindness or love is taken advantage of. But that’s where courage can come in. You know the pitfalls and the dangers lurking, but you move smartly through it. Don’t hide away your kindness–there’s someone out there who could use it.
To be honest, I’ve always thought of kindness as a weakness, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the right attitude to have. I think kindness is important and necessary to live a happy life. However, I think it’s important to be careful and conscious of who you are being kind to. And, remember, it’s also important to be kind to yourself.
Thanks for sharing this story!
Chehaw~ I agree with you. I think if you live your life too guarded you essentially imprison yourself. Someone was shared with me the term “optimism tax.” It’s what you need to pay sometimes to hold onto your belief in people. In the end, I think it’s worth it to be disappointed every now and then if it allows you to live life with an open heart.
Positively~ It’s tough, I think, because a lot of people view kindness as a weakness and try to take advantage. If you’re trying to see the best in people, you may miss the tell-tale signs. I guess it’s a lot about instinct; noticing when something isn’t right, and adjusting how you give accordingly.
I still have to believe that every kind act we do in life somehow comes back to us tenfold. Especially when it comes from heartfelt concern. Poetic justice, it works both ways.
You were probably pretty young then I’m guessing since you look pretty young now. Would you do it differently if you went back? And by the way I do think people see kindness as a weakness. Think about the phrase nice guys finish last. People always look for ways to take advantage of the nice guy.
Lynae~ I believe that, too. I forget who said it, but there’s a quote that goes something like…it’s not what we get for having done it, it’s what we become by doing it. This was kind of an extreme example of young idealism “gone wrong” but ultimately I think it benefits us to give. We become stronger, wiser, etc.
Liliana~ Indeed, I was pretty young. Would I do it again? I think I’d do it differently. I’d try to lead them toward connections, help them find an open shelter, etc. One of my Twitter friends pointed out it’s a matter of boundaries. I think that’s the lesson I learned: how do you help someone else be strong without weakening yourself?
Well, I was very interested reading this, and I would say, do not change…. be guarded a bit, but be yourself. My own personal belief is that we are ALL angels here on earth… we have a mission, or even many missions to perform… but we may have no clue what the mission is. Yes, you lost some money, but money is something that comes and goes all the time. You are also the summation of your experiences…. and not all of the experience you had with these two could have been bad if you had a friendship that had lasted any length of time.
I also equate the story of injury while looking for groth this way…. I desire to fly with eagles; therefore I will not be afraid of falling from the nest numerous times… for only if I keep trying, can I succeed.
You have a good heart… keep it good…and know you are admired for it.
Kindness is most definitively not a weakness. Being naive and letting oneself be exploited and taken advantage of – over and over again, is. One must therefore – naturally, be on guard.
Kindness is the right, important and necessary attitude to have, because it’s among the key and vital factors in what brings and give >> you << a positive, enjoyable and happy life.
I could totally relate to the kindness philosophy you have, because I have the exact same one:
“I may not have much, but I will gladly share with you with what little I have got – anytime!”
Nobody knows what tomorrow brings…
They might come back to thank you one day, with an even better and bigger deal landed!
You must never give up on your kindness – or the philosophy!
Thank you for sharing!
You’ve impressed me yet again!
Rob~ Well said! I agree that life is the sum of experiences. There is so much that is more valuable than money. “I desire to fly with eagles; therefore I will not be afraid of falling from the nest numerous times… for only if I keep trying, can I succeed.” <—I love this.
Hans~ I think you bring up a great point about the difference between kindness and consistent exploitation. It’s all about trial and error, I guess. Figuring out how to give without being naive. I also love what you wrote about not knowing what tomorrow will bring. It’s true: you don’t always know what will grow from the seeds you plant. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
You are all ♥ , Lori. That was great what you did!!!
I don’t think kindness is ever a weakness but sometimes we get kind of goofy and think that kindness means giving the shirt off of our backs. I’m a bit goofy that way myself. I think there is a difference between skillful kindness and unskillful kindness. Some people will take everything you have if you let them have it. I just think the skillfulness comes in knowing where to draw the line. And that’s always hard.
Ryan~ I love the point you made but it’s been an important lesson in my life–one I still work at. It’s generally not smart to sacrifice your own safety/health/well-being for someone else. What I learned to ask myself is “What is my true motivation. What am I looking to get through this act of giving?” When people go way out of their way, I believe there’s a void they’re trying to fill in themselves. And this will be my next post! Thank you so much for offering your insight.
Lori, can you lend me ten bucks please?
You did good and I’m glad to hear you don’t view those guys badly. They did a fairly lowdown thing, but you’ll never know their motives or even how bad they felt about doing it.
I’ve been ripped off once or twice, it’s just part of life and becoming a cynic because of it serves nobody imho, least of all ourselves.
having recently gone through the biggest and hardest break up of my life I can relate so closely to what you are touching on. Where do you draw the line and after such experiences, how do you not come out the other end ‘the looser’ because of your nice nature and harden your heart to the next person\experience?
thanks lori! nice read
rama
Tim~ I only have a $20. Here you go. (Doh!) I didn’t hate them for it. The truth is I got something out of helping them, and I learned a lot about myself and the world through the experience. I felt for them. They’d lost so much and their life had become nothing more than a game of survival. I’m sure that $100 didn’t last them long. And a few Google searches show me their company fell apart. I hope they pulled it together and never had to spend another night on the streets.
Rama~ I’ve been there in relationships, too. I was talking to someone the other day about how our current significant others often pay the price for our history. It’s hard to forget your past and see new people with new eyes–but it’s such an important thing to do. Thanks for reading and commenting. I value your perspective!
Hrm, ‘optimism tax’ is an interesting term. I don’t think kindness in and of itself is a weakness, but it can lead to it if you’re not careful. But I’m being pretty literal with ‘weakness’, and considering anything which can lead to you getting hurt as one, so… yeah. I think the key is to be cautiously optimistic.
Hari~ Here’s the post I read (about “optimism taxes”) http://www.cockybastard.com/wrds/99/1031.htm “Losing faith is much worse than losing some stuff.” A good read!
Wow, lots of replies on this one, but it’s a good topic.
This topic has a lot of significance to be personally because it’s so easy to be kind and it can easily go unappreciated or taken advantage of. As far as calling it a weakness, I look at it in a weird way. Life in general is unfair and whatever you gain you loose something else. Greed and power is a strength because you can make people do what you want and gain many things using it, however you loose the ability to see the beauty is certain things as well as some things you will have a much harder time getting, such as someone who might really love you. Basically money can easily get you someone who will stay with you for the rest of your life but there’s more risk this way in that the chances of them only wanting you for your money is a lot higher. I’m not saying people with money are all greedy, but greed plus money makes your chances for someone who “loves” you much lower.
Being kind and giving is also a strength because you are more likely to have someone want to stay with you for you as well as you’ll feel more whole as a person. You are able to gain joy out of someone else’s joy more often in this state as well. The weakness to being this way is other people can take advantage of you a lot easier. Yes you can still be careful and know when to help others without hurting yourself, but you’ll always be more susceptible to that kind of attack than you would being closed off and defensive. Both kindness and the opposite of is made of both weakness and strengths in my opinion, it’s just a matter of what one you want. Being kind and open is probably a lot harder and so it’s rewards are probably a lot more rewarding to. Kind of more than I wanted to write but I think I got my thoughts down. Even though being kind and caring can get you hurt in a deeper way, it’s also a more admirable trait that people should never look down on. Anyone with a knack for seeing the best in others should only see good when seeing someone with that trait.
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Hi Mike!
I love reading your comments. They’re so thorough–like a glimpse into your mind. This is my favorite part of your comment: “Being kind and giving is also a strength because you are more likely to have someone want to stay with you for you as well as you’ll feel more whole as a person. You are able to gain joy out of someone else’s joy more often in this state as well.” It’s just plain more enjoyable to be around someone who is kind and open. Unless of course you feel bad inside, in which case a kind, a happy person will be incredibly annoying.
chehaw (first commenter) just a wrote a post about this idea, specifically the “optimism tax.” http://tinyurl.com/dz3gbe I wanted to share what I wrote in the comments because it nicely sums up what I’ve concluded on this issue (at least for now):
“I believe that in many ways an open heart is its own reward–and I don’t mean that in a cheesy, cliche way. When you have an open heart, all kinds of good things can get in. You find inspiration where others might not see it. You see beauty where it may be faint. You experience the world with vulnerability and passion. That’s why I think I am willing to pay the optimist tax. It’s a far more wonderful world when I believe in people. Even if they occasionally disappoint me.”
Anyways, its been very insightful to read everyone’s thoughts on this matter. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
Wow, that was such a great blog post!! That’s awesome you did that!
I’m a big believer in unrequited demonstrations of kindness. I think they’re like seeds that grow and spread even greater acts of kindness. I’m sure those two fellows will never forget what you did to them, and I have no doubt they are probably paying it forward as well =)
This is a case of giving a hand up and they pull you down. I think you were extremely kind. I would never let strangers live with me. I am very protective of my home. I probably would give them money for a hotel if I have it. If you have it then give it with a care and let go. But if you have to question it then it may not be right. I had a friend of a friend who was down on her luck and would bullie me into things. After the third time I ignored her. I did not loose much. I would buy her a cup of coffee or something to eat but she wanted more money. Gets old.
Great post, once again thanks.
Hey Tania! Nice to see you here.
I think you’re so right. Even if people don’t return the kindness to the source, they generally give it back to someone.
pcsketch~ It’s frustrating sometimes that people will take advantage. I don’t like challenges to the way I’d like to be in this world. I’m learning that sometimes the kindest thing you can for both yourself and the other person is say no. People can be strong and resilient, especially if someone else believes in them. Kind of like the whole teach him to fish or give him a fish analogy.
Australian~ You’re welcome and thank you right back!
This is a good story, Lori. Thanks for sharing.
Kindness is not a weakness; it is a necessary manifestation of love and really has to be cultivated for a couple of reasons. We have to recognize that we want a pay-off even if it is just to make us feel good. This is just our nature. We are programmed to be kind. The perfect gift has no strings attached – I guess that is why anonymous giving is so revered. It is defined as righteous and I think pretty darn difficult.
Blessings return to us in good time – not necessarily from the recipient of our kindness. Loving-kindness is Godlike cause that’s how the Universe really is – very generous. Mn just screws the whole thing up. And finally, we should be kind to ourselves. If we know (as in gut feeling) that our generosity will be wasted, what’s the point? Do we just want to hurt ourselves and waste resources? There are plenty of people in this world who need help.
Sorry about the lecture. I could ramble on, . . . time to cut off my caffeine!
Hi Cathy! Thanks for commenting. I love the point you make about the payoffs we seek. Loving kindness has no ulterior motive–no expectations. I think we are all capable of it, but it requires self-awareness and courage. I also think it takes a lot of strength to be kind to ourselves. Why is it so tempting to hold on the burdens of the world on our own shoulders?
You are all very insightful and I enjoyed reading what everyone had to say.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I have sort of come to a conclusion that this is not exclusive to people, although it is almost always caused by people.
Anything good will almost always end up being exploited, simply because someone who is not as well equipped to make their own way, wants to better themselves; and unfortunately, regardless of how aware they they are, the consequences are usually left to the proprietor to deal with.
It ties in with a concept I came up with a few weeks ago:
Eventually, we will all find ourselves amongst questionable situations; but what counts is how well we choose to deal with it, so we may guide it to an ideal conclusion for as many parties as possible.
Thanks again for a great post Lori
if any of you guys want to talk about this or other interesting things gimme a yell: @theCrandallSter
Hi Raymond~ Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! “Eventually, we will all find ourselves amongst questionable situations; but what counts is how well we choose to deal with it, so we may guide it to an ideal conclusion for as many parties as possible.” <–well said! My favorite quote is “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.” I think this is one of the most important attitudes to embrace in life because it keeps you empowered regardless of the circumstances.
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i knew a girl who has suffered in business and was trying to make it big, working long hours in a MLM…she had store front in local train station, i used to visit her there to support her when she is feeling low.. one day she asked me for 10,000Yuan to help keep her business going, i turned her down because of my attachment to money, a week later my usual visit to her shop, i discovered her shop had been closed…now i go there every week to remind myself to not be attached to money, because at that time she could have used it a lot more than i needed it..
Yes, friend. It is. Actually, it’s the key to being st total peace with those around you. It would be logical to have expectations of people in a world where we could all tell the future. So basically we’re just setting ourselves up for disappointment. There is good in this world; it’s up to us to find it. However, we must learn to become self-sufficient beings in every aspect, including socially(by the way, your strong sense to self and self-validating demeanor is quite impressive and rewarding to see). The first part of this is really understanding that humans are fallible, ourselves included. Even people who are close to you will hurt you from time to time. But `being a self-sufficient being and not holding expectations to people enables you to forgive with more ease and to have an unselfish love for those in your life. So was your charitable decision a lapse in judgment? The argument could be made that you can help people, but also hold back when it seems like you’re being had. But the thing is, darned if you do, darned if you don’t. But truthfully, the person who goes above and beyond to help others, not worrying about any possible lost to themselves, who is kind and compassionate all the time, knows the true meaning of kindness. Blessed be!
Kuangbo~ That’s such a powerful story. I think you hit the nail on the head that we get attached to money. I’ve learned never to give away money you’re not willing to lose. Otherwise, the debt can make a huge rift in a relationship.
Siddhartha~ What a beautiful comment. I love your closing sentence. When I assess my successes, I always remember the moments when I helped people. Though sometimes I feel hurt when people don’t meet my expectations, I know the Lori I love gives with all her heart and trusts all will be OK in the end. Having lost a little money here and there hasn’t had any negative long-term effects on my health or happiness–so in the end, it IS all OK.
Hi Lori
Firstly what a great website. I only come across it last night. I am 45 & going through a midlife type crisis & found your wonderful site to cheer me up.
I believe that $100 you lost & the credit card money to get those guys back in business will be returned to you ten fold in your life.
I once met a girl (Suzie) down at my gym who I’d only known for a few weeks & who I only knew for a few months before we lost contact. Anyway I lent her a book (name escapes me), anyway after reading it she came in & told me that I’d changed her whole life by lending her that book.
Anyway a couple of weeks later I was a touch down as I was working casually as I returned to study a business course at age 30 after leaving high school early & had no money left to pay my rent nor money for food.
I phoned who I thought was one of my best mates & someone who I’d lent money from my credit card on a cash advance once which took my credit card over the limit. I asked him for a lend & the answer was no as he was saving for a house. I was devestated.
Anyway on the same day I got a phone call from Suzie asking why I hadn’t been down to the gym etc. She told me I sounded down & asked me if I had girl troubles to which I replied “no”, then she asked me if I had money troubles & before I could reply Suzie offered me to lend me a few hundred dollars if I needed it. I sheepishly replied I did.
I got that money almost immediately & paid Suzie back within a fortnight with some thankyou flowers.
I told her the story about my so called best mate refusing to lend me money & she told me of a story where a guy had once refused to lend her money after once lending him money.
Anyway the last I heard of Suzie was she met a guy & moved suburbs & gyms after quitting her job. So my book really did change her life. I then met my wife Anne not long after & the rest is history.
Unfortunately we lot contact but do you know what Lori, she was like an angel there when I really needed her.
My mate…. I also hardly see him……
Lori I beleive that money you lent wasn’t wasted. I also believe if the guys were that desparate to steal money from you then they too needed it to survive.
I came across a website last year called Kiva.org & love it coz it is helping people help themselves.
Having once worked as a nursing attendant in a Cancer Hospital there is no greater satisifaction in life than helping & giving of yourself to people.
Lori I for one as a new reader & many of your readers know you already do this through your blogs. Thanking you.
Anyway